This is a topic that is so very dear to my heart and especially around Mother’s Day.  I have never really shared much of my inner feelings and my journey through infertility – especially not publicly, it is something I don’t and didn’t really ever discuss.  Today I have chosen to share a few things about my experience with the hope that it may strengthen and comfort those of you who are on your own journey through infertility.

I am so blessed to have grown up with wonderful parents who loved and supported me – no matter what.  I have 4 amazing brothers that become more amazing to me every year.  We were close growing up and that closeness has remained throughout the years and has extended to their wives and children.  We had so many happy family adventures and still do to this day.

I always planned on getting married to a wonderful man who would be great like my dad; that I would have 10 beautiful children; and that I would be a fabulous mother just like my mom.  We would have so many happy times together as a family and it would be perfect – my happily ever after.  I didn’t realize, as young starry eyed woman, that infertility was even a possibility.  Everyone I had ever known had just “decided to have a baby and 9 months later they were parents.”  Boy did I get an eye opener!  I had no idea what I was in for.

My trek through infertility lasted nearly 25 years.

I suffered through 7 years of complete infertility with all its glory – tests, medications, monitoring, numerous doctor visits, specialist, etc.  All of this resulted in no pregnancies, no answers, just more questions.  After “giving up”, I was finally able to get pregnant without any “help”.  Unfortunately, I then had miscarriage after miscarriage.  So many in fact, that I quit counting.  Once again I endured years of specialists, medications, monitoring, ultrasounds, bi-weekly blood draws, injections, tests, etc. with no explanation or reason from the medical professionals as to why my pregnancies continued to fail.  Later on I had surgery and went through several IVF cycles.  I was devastated every time the pregnancy test showed negative and so scared every time it was positive.  Each ultrasound that showed a heartbeat gave me hope.  But, eventually the silent ultrasound would come – no more heartbeat.  Pure despair would fill my soul.

All of this weighs so heavily on couples trying to conceive.  It is physically and emotionally draining and devastating.  The constant heartache is so very real.  This roller coaster was more than I could bear, so we tried other avenues to have a family.  We pursued adoption – no one ever picked us to be the parents of their child.  We signed up to be foster parents – this was an arduous task but we felt it was worth it to be able to share all of our love and stability with little ones who needed it.  We were on the list for several years, re-qualifying every year, but never got a call.  Finally we said “take us off the list, obviously WE are not needed”.

We were full of despair.  How could God allow so many children to be born into such devastating circumstances and not even consider us to be parents?  What was wrong with us?

I let all of this negativity rule my thoughts.  Each day I began to feel more and more worthless, unwanted and unimportant.  My self-worth fell through the floor and down a black hole.  I was so envious of all the woman living my “happily ever after”.  I am now ashamed to admit that many times I prayed to God to take me home.  I just didn’t want to do it anymore.

Mother’s Day was probably the worst day of the year for me.  I imagine it is for most woman experiencing infertility. My feelings of worthlessness, despair, self-hatred, pain, unhappiness, and unworthiness rose to the top of the mountains on that day.  I tried to think about honoring my mother and not focus on my own self pity, and I think I did ok on the surface.  But on the inside I cried all day, my heart actually ached so deep in my chest I could feel it in my feet.  I would think to myself “I must be a terrible person because God won’t even give me a chance”.

As you can see, I let my circumstances define who I was.  I was the childless woman.  I was the woman even God didn’t love.  I was a nobody.  I had nothing worth giving.

Eventually, the despair and self-sabotage of infertility took its toll and my marriage was cast aside and divorce stepped in.  Not the happy ending I had planned on.

Recently, I was pondering on this journey and questioned why I wasn’t even able to be a foster parent or adopt a child and the thought came to me “That was not your path.”  Knowing what I know now, and looking back on all that I endured, I think I finally get it.

My dear sisters in infertility, I know your pain.  I know the longing of your heart.  I know no one can say or do anything to make it better – no matter how much they love you and have your best interest at heart.  I know those feeling of complete despair and hopelessness.  I know all of this and…. I know it is your path.  With all of this I also know you will come out on top.

I am a much better woman today than I was 25 years ago – even 10 years ago.  All of the pain and suffering I endured have made me strong and compassionate in ways I never could have been without my journey through infertility.  Today I can say I am thankful for my path.  It has led me to where I am and I love where it is taking me.  I am on the path to becoming my true authentic self and I really do feel joy and peace.

I am remarried to a wonderful, loving and supportive man.  At age 47, when all of my friends were becoming grandparents, I finally became a mother.  I have been blessed with twins – a girl and a boy.  During my trek through infertility I never imagined it would be like this.  I found peace and healing through energy work.  The pain and suffering I endured from infertility were released before I even had my children – a true miracle.  I have found a career where I can help others find that same peace and healing.

I am a planner and I expect the plan to be followed – just ask my family.  Yet, as you can tell from the beginning of my story, this is NOT how I planned my life, my plan was NOT followed and now I am so very grateful.  I am so grateful God knew my path and kept me on it instead of letting me follow my plan.

You are on YOUR path.  Embrace it.  NO it isn’t how you planned it.  NO, it isn’t easy.  Don’t give up.  Hold strong and don’t be afraid of what you are going through.  Being on the other side I can look back and see how blessed I was when I thought I was being cursed.  How grateful I am now that God didn’t take me home all of those times I pleaded with him.  Look for your blessings.  Cling to them.  Focus on them.  You are loved more than you can even imagine.

Don’t compare yourself to others.  They are on their own path, not yours.  You are amazing.  You are strong.  You can do this.  You are worth it.  You are important.  You are worthy.  You are an amazing mother – I know in your head you just said “but I’m not a mother”.  Don’t listen to that negative self-talk.  You are a mother – hold strong to that truth.  You are blessed.  You are wanted.  You have wonderful things to pass on.  You are loved.  You are enough.  Don’t let this journey fool you.  The infertility experience can make you believe these things are all lies.  Don’t listen!  They are not lies, they are true.  Remember them and focus on them.  It will make a difference.

You are on your own path – right where you should be.  And just like me, you will make it through and you will find joy and peace at the end.

I send you mountains of love to get you through your journey and the hope your eyes and heart will be opened to see and embrace your path.

~Carolyn